What’s this all about?
Never on Tuesday tells the story of two horny males of indeterminate age (I’m guessing early college-age, but this is never made clear), who accidentally crash their car into the car of an attractive young woman while travelling on a remote stretch of desert highway.
The three characters try to effect a rescue while discussing life, killing time, and encountering a troupe of weirdos.
Who is Nick in this one?
Nick has the uncredited role of “man in red sports car.”
Who else is in this one?
Oh, boy. This one’s loaded with nuts.
Gilbert Gottfried plays a crazy travelling brush salesman. He plays it exactly as you’d imagine. It’s the best part of the movie, hands down.
Charlie Sheen plays a highwayman/ex-con who comes across the stranded motorists and robs them, while making unwarranted anti-gay slurs.
Judd Nelson plays a manic motorcycle cop with a stick-on Hitler mustache.
Cary Elwes plays a rube tow truck driver. He slathers on the Gomer Pyle so thick that you almost won’t recognize him. The lovely Sarah tells me that Elwes’ brother produced this direct-to-video trainwreck. I’d assume he also had some hand in these cameos.
Emilio Esteves plays the other tow truck driver. It’s always great to see Emilio.
All of these cameos come across like the director just told the actors to go nuts, then gave them an 8-ball of coke.
Actually starring in the film, we have Andy Lauer and Peter Berg (no, you haven’t ever heard of them) as the largely interchangeable horny guys.
Claudia Christian plays the titular “Tuesday.” You know her from Babylon 5. She’s fine in this role. In fact, she borders on good, despite the material. Unfortunately the entire movie suffers from the “Head-Turning Beauty” trope, throughout. Literally every character comments about how remarkably beautiful Tuesday is. Much of the movie is filled with other characters’ fantasies about having sex with Tuesday.
I don’t mean this to come across as a complaint about the actress, but the bit gets old. Fast.
Did you see that?
I’m going to cheat again, and go with something that I heard. This movie clearly had next to nothing for a budget. Probably because of that, the soundtrack is made up of top 40 songs from the 50’s, which I’m assuming were cheap to license when the film was made. The soundtrack includes hits from Jerry Lee Lewis, The Edsels, The Skyliners, and the inimitable Howlin’ Wolf. There are some great tunes here that don’t really fit the film, but are great to hear. -Michael
I’ll take the same cheat. The movie was made on such a limited budget that it was shot using “short ends”. Sections of film left over in the canister. Super cheap to buy but with limited use as you have to film in short bursts and splice together in editing. I would imagine this would also lead to not wanting to reshoot scenes. It might help explain how some of the crap got in. – Sarah
What were Nick’s best parts?
Nick only has one 30-second scene in this film, presented, in its entirety, below, for your education. -Michael
I have nothing. – Sarah
What were Nick’s worst parts?
There’s only one scene. It’s an awful, pointless scene. For some reason, Nick affects a weird limp, an effeminate voice, a weird haircut, and the worst prosthetic nose that I’ve ever seen. It’s almost like he was playing his character from Longlegs. -Michael
That was absolutely the worst prosthetic nose ever in film or theater. – Sarah
How was the movie?
Never On Tuesday is a bad movie. The premise is interesting, and the cameos are surprising, but the writing is bad throughout. Much of the acting is terrible. The cameos are borderline nonsensical. The entire production absolutely reeks of 1988, which I guess is fair, but a lot of it comes across as crass and tasteless in a modern viewing. -Michael
Agree completely. I can see the sales pitch trying to gain permission to make this film. You could add a little flair when summarizing the plot, through out a huge list of cameos and decent actors, but there is no way to hide that it is a bad movie. – Sarah
Yeah, but did you like it?
I didn’t like it. The humor was dated and predictable. The premise was interesting but poorly executed. The characters were fairly unlikable and unrealistic. -Michael
Meh. I’ve definitely seen worse. It’s not going to be the worst movie in this marathon, but there are so many better bad movies if bad movies are your thing. – Sarah
Where can I watch it?
No one is currently streaming it. This film was released direct-to-VHS, so maybe look for a VHS copy.
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