What’s this all about?
National Treasure tells the disjointed and nonsensical tale of a historian/adventurer who is trying to uncover a vast treasure that has accumulated since ancient times, which a group of Masonic American founding fathers have hidden from “the British,” and then apparently forgotten about.
Yes, I’m aware that the first Masonic lodge was in London, but apparently the author of this screenplay wasn’t, as he paints a picture of the American Revolution as basically a war of the Masons vs. “the British.”
Anyway, all of this craziness leads Nick Cage to a bunch of riddles, which he solves like Batman facing off against The Riddler in the 60’s TV Show, which leads him to stealing the Declaration of Independence to keep Sean Bean (a British guy!) from stealing it first. This leads to a climactic showdown in the vast catacombs beneath the city of Manhattan (I guess the guys digging the subways and stuff didn’t notice them.) Then a Masonic policeman handwaves away all of the property damage and criminal activity.
So many things explode that I kept checking the credits for Michael Bay, but he was nowhere to be found.
This film holds a very special place in my heart for reasons that will become evident, but it’s a wild, wild ride through vast piles of nonsense and bullshit.
It made a profit of almost $260 million at the box office. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.
Who is Nick in this one?
Nick plays “Benjamin Franklin Gates,” a historian, adventurer, and apparent under-water demolitions expert (which is only mentioned when someone does a background check). As a child, his grandfather, Captain Von Trapp, filled his head with tales of vast hidden treasure and conspiracies involving the Knights Templar (is there anything that those guys didn’t get their fingers in?) and the Freemasons.
He has developed a preposterous set of skills in the quest for this treasure, and is always the smartest person in the room.
Nick is in full action mode for this one, delivering only three moods; yelling, thinking deeply, and being annoyed at the stupidity of literally everyone else. When he’s not yelling, he’s very wooden. I almost wish there was more yelling. Can you believe that?
Who else is in this one?
Christopher Plummer (“Captain Von Trapp” from The Sound of Music) plays Nick’s grandfather in maybe two scenes. He probably puts forth the best performance in the film.
John Voight (Angelina Jolie’s dad) plays Nick’s Dad. He’s the “black sheep” of the family because he doesn’t obsessively hunt treasures. That’s supposed to be funny. Or ironic. Or something.
Sean Bean (006, from GoldenEye) plays “Ian,” Nick’s patron who turns out to be a crime boss. He’s the bad guy who is smart, but not quite as smart as Nick. He doesn’t get killed in this, if that’s important to you.
Daine Kruger (“Bridget Von Hammersmark” from Inglourious Basterds) plays “Abigail Chase,” a curator at the National Archives who is super smart, but not quite as smart as Nick. She’s just there to be a MacGuffin, and to fall in love with Nick.
Harvey Keitel (“The Wolf” from Pulp Fiction) plays a cop. Or an FBI agent. Or something. Whatever he is, he has the power to let Nick’s many, many crimes slide, and to give him 1% of the vast historical treasure that he finds.
Did you see that?
Nick and his compatriots go to visit Nick’s father, because he has the only copies of letters written by Benjamin Franklin when he was 14. It took me ten seconds to find copies of them online, but that’s not how Nick rolls.
As they enter Nick’s Dad’s house, Nick’s Dad tells them that there’s pizza leftover from dinner, and that it might still be warm.
A few moments later, we see Nick’s comic-relief buddy grab a slice of said pizza. When he opens the box, we see an entire pizza. Later, we see Nick’s Dad throwing away a paper fast food-style cup with a plastic lid and straw.
Are we supposed to believe that Nick’s Dad ordered a pizza and a fountain drink for dinner, then ate none of the pizza, but drank the soda? What kind of pizza place delivers fountain soda? Why did he suggest that the pizza “might still be warm?” What was he doing just letting it sit out like that? -Michael
As we got into the catacombs underneath the city, there were torches that still worked after 200 years. Amazing for fuel soaked clothes. But even better was the troughs of 200 year old fuel that lit up the gigantic treasure room at the end. I have to admit, this movie is so full of ridiculous and unrealistic contraptions and circumstances, it’s a non-stop “Did you see that?”. -Sarah
What were Nick’s best parts?
Nick’s acting is wooden and uninteresting throughout the movie. In a batshit world of ancient conspiracies, car chases, and treasure hunts, Nick manages to spit out his lines like they’re being read to him through an earpiece. Picking a “best” scene is like trying to pick the “best” flavor of cough syrup. They’re all going to make you shudder a little bit.
Since I have to pick, I’m going with the scene early in the film set on the sailing ship “Charlotte,” in which Nick realizes that his boss and patron is really a murderous bad guy, and he pulls out and lights a road flare to dissuade the villains from shooting an IT guy. Of course, the villains are standing on literal piles of gunpowder (because this movie was apparently written by a third grade boy with unlimited access to Pixie Stix), so the flare presents an unknown, but real threat.
Nick manages to convey the unflinching nervousness called for in the scene fairly well, showing some emotion, for just a moment. -Michael
I felt like Nick’s performance was very consistent and not all that bad, I too need to just pick a scene, so my favorite one liner delivery for the movie came when Nick was negotiating with the authorities and said, “I can’t even describe how much I don’t want to go to prison.” It was a funny and well-made delivered line. -Sarah
What were Nick’s worst parts?
While I found all of Nick’s scenes to be eyerollingly bad, the one that irritated me the most came right after the theft of the Declaration of Independence, and the resulting car chase.
Nick and his compatriots, an IT guy who’s just there for Nick to tell historical facts to, and a beautiful young female historian who was borderline kidnapped/rescued during the chase, are talking about their next move. Understandably, the kidnapped/rescued woman repeatedly recommends returning the stolen document.
As she does so, Nick ignores her, and talks to the IT guy. He peppers his monologue with lines like, “wow, she just will not shut up, will she?” He does this repeatedly. No one reacts to it at all.
I suspect it was meant to be a fun, sarcastic side that would come across as rougeish and charming (think Bruce Willis as “David Addison” in Moonlighting).
It doesn’t. It comes across as awkward and sort of misogynistic. Nick doesn’t seem like a fun rogue. He seems like a socially awkward incel. -Michael
My least favorite part was when he stabbed his own thumb to smear the flood of blood that came out of it to a pipe handle to use it like a printing press. He didn’t really even wince and was instantly heeled. He could have at least acted like it hurt. -Sarah
How was the movie?
National Treasure is a very special movie to me. It’s a very, very bad movie that is directed quite poorly. It contains shocking historical inaccuracies that I could overlook if it was a wild, seat-of-your pants fun ride. It’s not that.
It acts like it’s trying to be a “smart” movie by throwing a bunch of non-sequitur history trivia around, and blowing everything else up. No one acts or reacts in a manner that is at all realistic. None of the action set pieces are fun. Watch The Rundown some time. The plot is stupid and the character are barely one dimensional, but it’s fun from start to finish, so you never care.
Anyway, I digress.
The first time I saw this movie, I was on a date. It was my first date with this woman, and I really wanted it to go well. We’d had an absolutely lovely time at dinner, and I had found her to be absolutely charming and wonderful.
As I sat in the dark theater, with my lovely date by my side, I worried. What would I do if, when the house lights came up, this beautiful person said something like, “wow, that was a great movie!”? Would I be able to act like I agreed? Would I launch into a tirade about how stupid it was, embarrassing her right there in the theater? Would I just have to break things off?
Then, the scene in which the team finds the 3D Ben Franklin glasses that make a secret message appear on the back of the Declaration of Independence played out on the screen. From out of the darkness, I heard my date mutter, “oh, for God’s sake,” and I knew I was out of the woods.
That woman and I wed not too long after that, and I’ve spent nearly 20 years enjoying every second of her company.
The movie is stupid and bad, but the date was one of the best I ever went on. -Michael
I love you too baby! -Sarah
Yeah, but did you like it?
It’s a bad movie. I’ll always enjoy thinking back on my first time seeing it, but it’s truly moronic. -Michael
I loved watching the movie again, but it was because of the nostalgic memories of the best date of my life. I can’t possibly separate my feelings of that night to give the movie a fair rating. When I watched it the first time, I didn’t like it. It wasn’t bad enough to be good and it wasn’t a new Indiana Jones. -Sarah
Where can I watch it?
It’s on Disney+.
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