What’s this all about?
Zandalee is a work of soft-core pornography that tells the story of several trashy, but somehow also pretentious New Orleans residents who have problems that I don’t care about.
Seriously, though, it’s the story of “Thierry,” a former brooding poet who is now a brooding telecom executive, who is married to “Zandalee” who jogs, and is naked. They live with his grandma, which is entirely unimportant.
One night, while licking whipped cream off of a stripper’s breast, Thierry meets “Jack,” a friend from childhood. The two realize that Jack is a peon at Thierry’s company, and they begin carrying on.
Meanwhile, Zandalee is unsatisfied sexually, because running a phone company doesn’t get Thierry aroused, so she begins an affair with Jack, who she despises.
They engage in acts like pseudo-rape in a church confessional, putting cocaine in various buttholes, and dropping panties into a dirty puddle in the street (and presumably putting them back on, later).
Thierry tries to quit his job, but instead gets somehow promoted.
Later, Thierry and Zandalee go for a boat ride. Jack joins them. Thierry then gives up on this nonsense (lasting about 15 minutes longer than I did) and dies. Somehow. Maybe he drowns. Maybe he kills himself. Maybe Jack kills him. I’m not sure, and I didn’t want to rewind.
Then, after Zandalee feels bad for a while, some guy we’ve literally never seen before shoots her.
Who is Nick in this one?
Nick plays “Johnny,” Thierry’s childhood friend who is a painter (of portraits, not houses). He also buys drugs from Aaron Neville, and sleeps with a bunch of women in his filthy “apartment”. He’s a creep who yells a lot, paints quite badly, and forces Zandalee to have sex with him against her stated desire at least twice (and sticks cocaine up her butt against her stated wishes once), although the movie is really unclear on how Zandalee feels about all of this.
Who else is in this one?
Judge Reinhold plays “Thierry,” the erstwhile poet. He puts on sort of a weird French accent, and basically spends most of the movie looking exasperated. It’s like Beverly Hills Cop but instead of not being able to believe that Axel Foley caused trouble again, he can’t believe that Nick Cage fingered his wife in public, again.
Aaron Neville, the amazing soul singer, plays a bartender in several scenes. You can’t see his famous face tattoo, but I don’t know if that’s because it was faded/the lighting was bad, or if they actively covered it up.
Marissa Tomei is in one scene, playing one of Nick’s lady friends. Her name is “Remy”, pronounced “Raimee”, which seems to imply that she comes from a French-speaking family, but she’s in full-on Brooklyn accent mode. She’s delightful.
Steve Buscemi plays a recurring role of a prisoner who is apparently employed to take out trash/clean the streets of New Orleans. He says wacky stuff while talking out trash and running from the cops. Towards the end of the film, Zandalee tells him about her troubles, and he basically says “cool story, bro.” He’s my favorite character.
Joe Pantoliano plays a guy who works at a vintage clothing shop (I think) with Zandalee (and maybe Thierry’s grandma?). At work, he’s always wearing women’s clothing. There’s a whole scene about this dress he’s trying on, that he’s going to wear to some party, but then in the next scene, he and Zandalee are at some sort of club/part, and he’s just wearing menswear. Is “Chekhov’s Ball Gown” a thing? Why show me the dress if I never get to see him wear it? Anyway, his acting is good, and his character is one of the most tolerable of the lot.
Did you see that?
There’s a scene in which Nick is drinking in a bar with (or at least next to) a Catholic priest. After what passes for deep banter in this film, Nick buys some drugs from the bartender, Aaron Neville. Aaron gives him the drugs, but suggests that he might want to slow down a little. I feel like if Aaron Neville tells you that you’re taking too much drugs, you’re taking too much drugs. It would be like if Andrew WK told you to maybe turn down the partying a little. -Michael
Steve Buscemi was hand’s down the best part of this movie. And I believe his two scenes added the only point this movie had, other than seeing Zandalee naked. In his first scene he is hanging off the back of a garbage truck driving by as Zandalee sits with a girlfriend outside some cafe enjoying a drink / snack or something. He flirts with her and they have a playful exchange. It then becomes painfully clear throughout the movie that Zandalee is painfully horny as well as a bit lonely / bored in her otherwise perfect marriage to Thierry. She then precedes to basically ruin her self esteem and marriage while having an unwise, unsatisfying, and dangerous affair with someone she really can’t stand. After her husband ends up dead reality comes crashing down on her and she is having a hard time living. She goes to visit Thierry’s grave and who should just wonder through the cemetery, but Steve Bushemi. He (of course) remembers her and delivers the age old observation of being careful of what you wish for. I will say that the exchange was clever and fun, at least for Buscemi and for me. -Sarah
What were Nick’s best parts?
There’s a scene in which Nick is showing his most recent paintings to another, more successful painter. The painter seems fairly unimpressed, and points out an older work that Nick has sitting in the corner. Nick screams at him for not knowing anything about good art and basically throws the guy out. As the painter leaves, Nick suddenly returns to normal, giving him a friendly farewell, and reminding him that they have a get together later.
It’s a weird scene, and Nick acts it like his dial only goes to 1 and 100, but it’s also the only time in the movie that I get the idea that any of the characters might actually care about their art, even though they talk about it incessantly. Nick’s manic behaviour actually works here. -Michael
I feel Nick did a great job with the scene where Zandalee get’s shot. He see’s it coming, but can’t stop it and reacts like he is seeing the love of his life die. It was extremely well acted. From just his acting I could tell the fact that some guy was coming after him was no surprise, even though this was in no way attached to the rest of the story. Also, the fact that his character cared so much, was a bit odd. But, setting all that aside, if you watched just that scene separate from the rest of the movie, you would be interested in the seeing the movie attached to it. Of course, that would lead to disappointment. -Sarah
What were Nick’s worst parts?
Nick plays a pompous, sleazy asshole throughout the movie (which is clearly intentional), however, the scene in which Thierry brings Johnny home to meet his family is awful. Thierry hustles Johnny into the kitchen to hide him from Thierry’s grandma, who will be surprised to see him again.
While in the kitchen, Johnny encounters Zandalee. He introduces himself (a stranger appearing in this woman’s kitchen) by saying, “so, you’re his wife?” He then proceeds to be creepy as hell while seemingly hitting on Zandalee, who is shooting him I-hate-your-guts vibes.
It was over-the-top and over acted. No person in the real world would tolerate such behavior in their own home. There is zero reason that Zandalee (or anyone) would pursue a relationship with someone like this. -Michael
I agree, Nick nails the over-the-top creepy type on this one. He is consistent about it though. He is consistently over the top with it. -Sarah
How was the movie?
It was pretentious and vulgar. I feel like it was supposed to be shocking in its sexuality, and was supposed to be about the role of art in identity. Instead, it just showed so much nudity and sex that it was honestly distracting while adding nothing to the story, and rather than coming across as “tortured artists” they come across as dirtbags. No storytelling takes place in this movie. It’s just stuff happening in a series. -Michael
It was one of those movies where you just watch some people exist in their lives for awhile. These people had a lot of sex and couldn’t seem to make a good decision if their life depended on it, proven by the fact that two of the three ended up dead. -Sarah
Yeah, but did you like it?
This movie is bad, but it’s not “fun” bad. I’ve seen far worse films. If somebody told me that they loved this film, I wouldn’t think they were a moron or anything, and I might even sit through it again if a friend really wanted to see it, but ultimately, it’s not enjoyable. -Michael
It wasn’t a good movie, but I got through it okay. Honestly, the biggest problem it had is that the characters didn’t have any redeeming qualities. I know the point was for them to be flawed, but they needed to have something to make a tiny portion of them relatable or redeemable. -Sarah
Where can I watch it?
You can watch it for free on Tubi and Plex’s streaming service.
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